I remember someone once saying that you don't really know another person until you know what their struggle is. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Well, I won't bother you with all my struggles, not only would you not want to hear them, I don't want to share them all. But I will share one struggle; the one that has probably taught me the most as a parent thus far (of course, I am learning new lessons daily with a 16 year old in the house now).
This is my son, Rocky.
This is my son, Rocky.
He is an amazing child! He is funny, happy, hard-working, independent, and confident. Now. But he wasn't always. In fact, for most of his younger childhood he was clingy, insecure, and frustratingly moody. I confess that when he was about 3 years old, I couldn't stand him. Literally, I had moments where I truly felt like I hated this child. Pretty strong, huh? Well, that was it, it was a strong and disturbing emotion that was intertwined with a deep, nurturing, and heart-breaking love for this struggling little boy.
He was a child who would stand in line to ride the merry-go-round at the fair for 20 minutes, then cop out at the moment it was time to get on the ride. He was a child who would only wear "lightening" socks from Shopko and they had to "feel" just right. We went almost two years where he wore nothing but blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt (ages 5-6). He was the one who would get ready for school, then just as the bus came around the corner he would get all morose and drag his feet till he missed the bus. In fact, as he got older, he sabotaged all efforts to get him to school, including undressing in the car on the way to school. I remember him saying one day that he wished his school would explode and that he would die and the whole school would just die. He was only in 4th grade.
The winter of 2006 I noticed him washing his hands an extreme amount and his hands were red and bleeding. We had taught him to sing the "ABC" song twice while he lathered his hands, and he was consistently obedient about that.
One morning I just observed his behavior, it went something like this. Woke up, went into bathroom, washed hands ("ABC" thing), went to bathroom, washed hands, got undressed for shower, washed hands, got towel ready on rack, washed hands, took shower, got out and dried off, washed hands, brushed teeth, washed hands, got dressed, washed hands, came downstairs, washed hands, got breakfast cereal, washed hands, ate breakfast, washed hands, etc. You get the drift. I called the school nurse and she referred him to the school counselor. Later that day the counselor called me and said she had visited with him and thought he might be depressed. "WHAT?!" "No", I thought, "he might be compulsive, but not depressed." That night I googled "childhood depression". The page said that if your child displays 3 or more of the 14 characteristics for more than 3 months, they may be depressed. Rocky had 11 symptoms, and had had them for most of his life.
I took him to the doctor. I took him to a child psychologist. We got him on Zoloft. Three months later while at a med check, I told the doctor what an amazingly different child he was! The doctor said, "Let me introduce you to your son." This is who he is, if his brain produced and held on to the correct balance of chemicals for the correct amount of time, this is who my son would be.
Rocky is a joy in my life! I am amazed by him and the things he does now. Bossy sister Robin can attest to the day we went skiing and Rocky got on the chairlift, by himself, and I stood in the lodge and cried. I couldn't believe his growth and independence.
Now our lives are richer, happier. He is confident and outgoing. The winter "blahs" are still very real in our home, but we are better prepared to cope with them.
Here are some of the things we have enjoyed in the past few years:
Lake Powell with friends.
Wake-boarding
Swimming in Florida, with the sharks (no kidding).
Boating and wake-boarding with friends.
Universal studios where Rocky rode "The Mummy" (awesome ride!) and convinced me to ride "The Hulk" with him.
Bridge-jumping at the cabin.
Oh my! That's a long drop!
Riding the ferris wheel at Santa Monica Pier.
What I have learned is this, we must keep our minds open to the amazing potential our children have, even when they struggle and seem to be lost causes. Utilize the resources available to us, love them, and embrace every good moment!
